The Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional  box after years of being away from the  Church.    There’s a fully equipped bar with  Guinness on tap. On the  other wall is a dazzling array of the  finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. “Father,  forgive me, for it’s been a  very long time since I’ve  been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
The priest replies: “Get  out. You’re on my side

Long Lost Daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.  Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.

‘Where have ye been all this time, child?  Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?  Why didn’t ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?’

The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff….Dad….I became a prostitute…’

‘Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot!  Sinner!  You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.’

‘OK, Dad– as ye wish.  I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom

mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.  For me little brother, this gold Rolex.  And for ye Daddy, the

sparkling new Mercedes limited-edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club…(takes a
breath)… and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.’

‘Now what was it ye said ye had become?’ says Dad..

Girl, crying again, ‘Sniff, sniff….a prostitute Daddy! Sniff,sniff.’

‘Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!  I thought ye said a Protestant.  Come here and give yer old Dad
a hug.

Murphy
There was once an Irishman named Murphy who walked into an American Bar. He sat down and asked the Bartender “Give me three shots o’ your finest Irish Whiskey!” the Bartender complies.

After about a week the bartender asks, “Murphy, would it be better for yeh if I put all three shots of Irish Whiskey into one glass?”

Murphy replied, “well no. See I have two other brothers back at home, Patrick and Owen, and everytime I come into a Pub or Bar I order a shot for each o’ them so I can remember the good times.”

Well, after another week of this routine, Murphy comes into the bar and only asks for two shots of Irish Whiskey. The bartender immediately says “Murphy, is everything ok? Did somethin’ happen to one of your brothers?” “Oh no”, Murphy said, “I just decided to quit drinkin!”

Irish Obituary
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband’s obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.

She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.”

The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words at no charge.

Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: “Pete died. Boat for sale”

I’m God
Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.

‘My son,’ said the holy man, ‘what are you doing? Who are you?’

‘I’m God,’ said the stranger.

‘Pardon?’

‘I’m God,’ he repeated. ‘This is my house!’

Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.

‘Your reverence,’ said he, ‘I hate to trouble you, but there’s a man sat on me altar who claims he’s God. What’ll he do?’

Take no chances,’ said the archbishop. ‘Get back in the church and look busy!’